Previous Months' Topics

Real Talk from Real Couples about NFP
NFP and the world of marriage and children
By Danielle Bean

(Note: Some couples did not want their full names used.)

Years ago, as Dan and I prepared for marriage, one of the things on our “to-do” list was to learn Natural Family Planning. Since we both fully accepted Catholic teaching against the use of artificial birth control, but were planning to avoid pregnancy while Dan finished school, it seemed like the right thing to do.

I received the manual in the mail weeks before our class began and gave it quick look-through. I was intrigued. NFP, it seemed, was going to improve our communication skills, foster closeness as a couple, and even teach sexual self-control. This was going to be lovely!

But then came the classes.

There were close-up photos of mucus next to rulers, rainbow-colored stickers, the nuanced difference between “sticky” and “tacky,” and a film titled “Seasons of Love” that left me wondering if we were preparing for marriage or crop rotation. I floundered in confusion as my future husband silently raised an eyebrow.

Very soon, though, none of it seemed to matter because we were married and – surprise! – I was pregnant.

In the 16 years and eight children we have been blessed with since that time, I have come to a more grown-up understanding of Natural Family Planning. NFP in the real world is neither the marital panacea some advocates make it out to be nor the sexual wet blanket others might think. The truth, I think, lies somewhere in between – a truth that every couple will experience differently.

Communication is Key

It’s a favorite line in most NFP promotional materials, but does NFP really “improve communication” in marriage? When I posed this question to a select group of couples who use NFP, the answer was a resounding “Yes and No.”

First the Yes! crowd.

Lindy Meyer, a mom of six kids, said, “During that fertile time when you are avoiding pregnancy, you learn to communicate your feelings in ways other than the marital act – which builds communication in the rest of your relationship. And, for those who struggle with PMS or other health issues, monitoring cycles and being aware of the physical and emotional changes that take place throughout the cycle help with communication and coping for both husband and wife.”

Brian Gosser, an NFP-only ob-gyn physician and father of seven, pointed out that using NFP encourages couples to think about and discuss family planning on an ongoing basis. “NFP nudges us to contemplate each month whether we are being called to be open to life or not,” he explained. “It further reinforces the creative power that we are able to share with God if he blesses our love with new life.”

Recently married Maggie Crawford values the improved non-sexual communication that comes with periodic abstinence. “Sometimes there are times we want to be intimate, but can’t,” she said. “Instead of getting all upset, we sit and talk. This is where we have our best conversations. Sometimes my husband will just lay there and hold me.”

Maybe Not

Others I spoke to were not quite so convinced that the kind of communication encouraged by Natural Family Planning is always a good thing.

“NFP definitely forces you to communicate with your spouse,” said Kirsten F. “Whether there should be this much verbal communication about something that might be better off remaining sort of a ‘language of the soul’ is debatable. It feels a little clinical. No, scratch that. It feels a lot clinical.”

Damien Fisher, a father of eight, also has reservations about the way NFP is promoted. “NFP can either improve your communication as a couple, or totally demolish it,” he explained. “It all depends on the relationship you bring into the method. NFP can serve as a catalyst for communication, or an excuse for cutting it off. Just like your whole marriage is not about sex, your whole communication is not dependent on NFP.”

Special Struggles

Many of the couples I spoke to felt that their trials with NFP were the “exception.” The sheer volume of stories I collected, however, makes me think that while a couple’s circumstances might be unique, struggles with NFP are not uncommon.

Tricky Times

Fertility signs can be particularly difficult to read after childbirth and while breastfeeding.

“Abstinence is the most difficult thing by far,” said Michael Vigneau, father of two. “My wife gets her period shortly after childbirth, even while breastfeeding. Any breastfeeding couple knows that NFP is most difficult during this time, so we are extra cautious, requiring about 20+ days of abstinence per month.”

The hormonal fluctuations that come with menopause present a unique challenge to older moms as well. “I’m nearing 45 and it’s getting harder to use NFP as my body goes through changes,” Robin K. confided. “I’m currently wondering if I’m pregnant and trying not to worry about my age and my husband’s reaction if I am.”

Female Libido

Many couples expressed frustration with the fact that using NFP to avoid pregnancy means that the time of the month when they need to avoid sexual relations is the time of the month when a woman is most likely to be interested in sex.

“The hardest part is that I want to tear my husband’s clothes off only when I am ovulating,” explained Carrie Duryea, a mother of four. “There have been a number of cold shower moments because we didn’t feel that it was the time to add to our family.”

Bethany M. shares Carrie’s lament, noting that she generally has a lower sex drive than her husband, regardless of the time of the month. “Of course, those opportune times would be during the phase in my cycle where my sex drive is naturally low, making it even more difficult to be there for my husband.”

Traveling Husband

Work schedules and other obligations present a different challenge. Maranda McElwee finds it difficult to schedule intimacy during her infertile period while considering her husband’s frequent business travel. “If he’s been out of town and we’re trying to prevent pregnancy and he’s only home for a few days, I feel guilty,” she said. “He doesn’t complain and he’s very supportive, but I feel guilty because I know he has to leave for work again.”

Attitude or Beatitude?

Of all the conversations I had with couples about their use of NFP, one thing stood out to me most. Even those who admitted that they struggle with Natural Family Planning and sometimes resent it, admitted something else too: That being open to life and even experiencing unexpected pregnancy was ultimately a good thing for themselves, their spouses, and their children.

Renee Lippert believes that regular communication about fertility has had a positive effect on other areas of her marriage as well. “There is a trust there like no other, I believe that he is my soul mate and nothing will ever come in the way of that ... I know that our children also benefit from this openness to life, in that they see us really living this daily and hear us talking about having more children.”

Terry Arnold’s grown daughter believes her parents’ example of using NFP had lasting impact. “She told me years later that knowing her parents used NFP in their relationship showed her true love, trust, faith and commitment,” said Terry. “At 16, she understood that any sexual activity without those elements would be a lie. Talk about a blessing!”

Lindy Meyer added, “Watching our children together is such a tremendous blessing. Our kids are always asking us when we’re going to have another baby – and could we make it twin boys! Through the practice of NFP we have been blessed with six children so far – what more blessing could you ask for?”

Danielle Bean is Editorial Director of Faith & Family and author, most recently , of Small Steps for Catholic Moms: Think. Pray. Act. Every Day. You may contact her at daniellebean.com.